3 June 2011

Bathing beauty

Running hot and cold
Ah, bathtime. We may have dreaded it as kids, but as an adult, a bath is the ultimate at-home self-indulgence after a long day…isn't it? A chance to close the door on the world, put on some soft music, and relax in a warm, fragranced watery cocoon.

So we're led to believe.

For me, this is what bathtime is generally like.

  1. Run the water. Wander off while the tap runs. Forget I'm running a bath until the water is near the overflow.
  2. Step into the bath. Get a little insight into what it's like to be a lobster at the moment it's dropped into a pot of boiling water. With a shriek, withdraw red, scalded legs. Drain some water out and turn on cold tap. Wander off while the tap runs. Forget I'm running the bath until the water is near the overflow, again.
  3. Step into the bath. Feel the icy currents flowing through a tepid pool around my legs. Shiver, step out of bath. Drain some water out and turn on hot tap. Wander off while the tap runs. Forget for a third time that I'm running the bath until the water is near the overflow.
  4. Step into the bath. The water is lukewarm. Fuckit, it'll do. Ease self in. Realise I've forgotten to add any product. Pour bath product in and turn on shower attachment for fast frothing into some semblance of a bubble bath. Accidentally spray everything in the bathroom when I drop the shower head. Resolve to deal with sodden toilet paper later.
  5. Step into bath once more and ease back. Here at last comes the relaxing bit! Close eyes. Feel rasping sensation on leg. It's the cat. Licking any part of my limbs that have emerged from the water. Spend the next 5 minutes trying to keep limbs away from cat, and cat away from the bath, which she seems to regard as a gigantic bowl full of warm, soapy water for her own delectation.
  6. Lie back again. Realise I've left my book on the bed. Step out of bath, and, shivering and attempting not to slip and fall over, or trip over the startled cat, retrieve book. Return to bath.
  7. Drop book in bath water.
  8. Abandoning idea of reading, attempt relaxation. Close eyes. Begin to contemplate that I'm lying in a tepid, expensively scented soup of my own filth. Feel icky.
  9. Attempt to wash hair. Realise that I'm just adding shampoo and, I don't know, hair dirt to the soup. Fail to rinse all product from hair. Give up, knowing all the while that my hair will be lank and knotted until next shampoo.
  10. Wish I'd just taken a shower.

Ah, yeah. That's self-indulgence for you. More trouble than it's worth.

Image: Idea go at freedigitalphotos.net


  1. Ha! I loved this post. I actually snorted with laughter. Superlolz and respect, Trish :D I shall retweet it right now.

  2. 1}the phone didn't ring
    2) the front door bell didn't go
    3)the baby didn't shit in you bath
    4) You didn't drop a fish-finger sandwich in the bath
    5) no one came for a piss
    5) And no smelly bastard came for a shit

  3. Haha :-D

    1) I never answer the phone anyway
    2) I don't have a doorbell, only a knocker which I can't hear upstairs
    3) I don't have a baby
    4) I don't eat fish-fingers
    5) I live alone except for a part-time lodger who's not allowed anywhere near my en-suite.

    So yes, it could be worse!

    Thanks for the RT, young otter.

  4. Instead of point 9 insert;

    1) Turn shower attachment on getting temp right.
    2) Pull plug out.
    3) Stand up.
    4) Put shower attachment into holder.
    5) Wash hair properly.
    6) Wash book pages off your nekked body.
    7) Wash crevices just to make sure.

  5. Kim aka PsychoticLynx17 June 2011 at 13:54

    That was extremely funny and bang on the mark ;)